The Cost of Avoiding Tough Conversations for Leaders

Why leaders who step into vulnerability exhibit courage and build trust.

We’ve all had those moments where you’re in the middle of a conversation, and you have a question or assumption in your mind, but you bite your tongue and dismiss it. 

Though we try to dismiss it, that “thing” we’re not saying can heavily impact how we continue to interact with the other person or within the task we’ve been given.  

Part of being an effective leader* is acknowledging what you’re NOT saying, exploring why that might be, and then stepping into courage and vulnerability to say the thing when it can provide clarity and value to the conversation or situation. 

*A leader is anyone who takes on the responsibility of influencing any one person or idea, whether you have a formal title or not! 

During a recent coaching engagement with a client, we were reviewing the feedback that was collected to help her create her goal. There was one particular person she requested feedback from who refused to provide it. On our call to review the feedback, I asked her- "Did you ask them why not? "

She gave me a stunned look. “Megan, I honestly didn’t even think to ask! Is that an option?! …Why didn’t I even think to ask?”

We spent the next several minutes exploring that question, “Why didn’t I think to ask?” and in a general sense, it came down to a combination of fear and having a certain assumption that a conversation like that would do no good. 

And the interesting thing was, she wanted feedback most desperately from this person because it was a working relationship she wanted to improve.

She realized fairly quickly that by not asking this person why they did not want to engage in the feedback, she was missing an opportunity to get the real story and create an understanding of what might be going on in this person’s world, or even get this person’s thoughts on their relationship. Vital information when looking to improve a relationship! 

When we think about self-awareness, we often think about analyzing what we say, why we might have said it, and how it impacts those around us. 

But self-awareness is also thinking through- What am I NOT saying? And why?

Now I’m not saying everything going through your mind in any given moment should be uttered. There is a time and place, and a thought process that we should go through before saying certain things, but more often than not, we dismiss thoughts and questions that can often help us to work more effectively with others.  

By opting out of certain conversations, we often put ourselves in a position where we have to guess or “fill in the blank” to determine what action steps we want to take next, which I think we can all agree hamstrings our effectiveness, and can often lead to unhelpful stories about ourselves, others, or our work.

This then leads to team disengagement, gossip, resentment, and damaged trust.

The opposite of this, saying or asking about the thing openly and productively, exhibits leadership characteristics like vulnerability and courage - traits that are important for leaders to build trust and understanding, create clarity and accountability, which then leads to more effectiveness and better work.   

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So what about you? What conversations are you NOT having? Why might that be?

What opportunities might you be missing out on by NOT saying or asking it?

At Wayfinders Leadership, we work with team-centric leaders to create engaged, high-performing teams, whose team members enjoy showing up to work together.

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